Umm I'm too high to move.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
