I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
