im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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