i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
