I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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