meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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