i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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