I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
