who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
