I got chris browned last night
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
