remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
