You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize