make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
