i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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