I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize