A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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