May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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