She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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