Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
