I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize