I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
