Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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