Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think my vagina is haunted
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
