I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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