I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
