the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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