Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
