On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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