we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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