Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
