Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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