My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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