i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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