I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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