Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
