Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
