I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
