Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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