Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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