i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
