I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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