I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
