shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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