When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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