after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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