My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
