there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
