I met the friendliest cop last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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