TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
