My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
