I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
