I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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