i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have fence marks all over my body
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize