therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
