when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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